Relationship anxiety is that mix of worry, insecurity, and doubt that can creep into a relationship—even when things seem to be going just fine.
You’re with someone amazing, someone you truly love. You’ve built trust, set boundaries, and figured out how to communicate with each other.
But at the same time, you might catch yourself second-guessing everything—yourself, your partner, even the relationship itself.
Will this last? How do I know they’re really the one? What if they’re hiding something? What if I’m just bad at keeping a healthy relationship going?
That endless loop of worry? It’s called relationship anxiety.
Is it normal?
Absolutely. “Relationship anxiety is super common,” says Astrid Robertson, a psychotherapist who works with couples.
Some people feel it early on, when they’re not sure if their partner is as invested as they are. But it can also pop up in long-term, committed relationships.
Over time, relationship anxiety can lead to:
- Emotional stress
- Low motivation
- Exhaustion (emotional or physical)
- Stomach issues or other physical symptoms
Your anxiety might not come from anything actually wrong in the relationship. But if left unchecked, it can start causing real problems between you and your partner.
What are the signs of relationship anxiety?
It shows up differently for everyone.
Most people feel a little unsure at some point, especially when a relationship is new. A passing worry here and there? Totally normal. But when those thoughts stick around and start taking over, that’s when it might be relationship anxiety.
Here’s what it can look like:
1. Wondering if you matter to your partner
“The biggest worry usually boils down to, ‘Do I matter?’ or ‘Are you really there for me?’” Robertson explains. “It’s about needing to feel secure and connected.”
For example, you might stress over:
- Would they even miss me if I wasn’t around?
- Would they step up if something serious happened?
- Are they only with me for what I can do for them?
2. Doubting their feelings for you
They say “I love you,” they do sweet things, they seem happy with you—but you still can’t shake the thought: “They don’t really mean it.”
Maybe they’re slow to return affection, or they take hours (or days) to text back. If they seem a little distant, you immediately wonder if they’ve changed their mind.
Everyone feels this way sometimes, but with relationship anxiety, it becomes a constant loop.
3. Worrying they’ll break up with you
A good relationship feels safe and happy—so of course you don’t want to lose that. But sometimes, that fear turns into a full-blown obsession that they’ll leave.
This becomes a problem when you start changing your behavior just to keep them around, like:
- Avoiding important conversations (like if they’re always late).
- Ignoring things that bother you (like them wearing shoes in the house).
- Constantly worrying they’re mad, even when they’re not.
4. Doubting long-term compatibility
Even when things are great, you question if you’re really right for each other. Am I actually happy, or just convincing myself I am?
You might fixate on tiny differences (They love punk, I like folk—are we doomed?) and blow them out of proportion.
5. Sabotaging the relationship
Sometimes, anxiety leads to self-sabotage. You might:
- Pick unnecessary fights.
- Shut down when upset instead of talking.
- Test boundaries (like hanging out with an ex without mentioning it).
You’re not doing it on purpose—deep down, you just want proof they care. If they stick around after I push them away, they must really love me. But as Robertson points out, your partner probably won’t realize that’s what’s happening.
6. Overanalyzing their words/actions
You read into everything:
- They don’t hold hands—is that a red flag?
- They kept their old furniture when we moved in—do they not see a future with me?
Sure, sometimes these things mean something. But usually? They just have sweaty hands or really like their couch.
7. Missing out on the good stuff
Ask yourself: “Am I spending more time stressing about this relationship than actually enjoying it?”
If the answer is “yes” most of the time, you’re probably dealing with relationship anxiety.
What causes it?
There’s no single cause, and sometimes it’s hard to pinpoint. “You might not even know why you feel this way,” Robertson says. “But deep down, it’s usually about craving connection.”
Common triggers include:
1. Past relationships
If an ex cheated, lied, or blindsided you, those old wounds can make it hard to trust again—even if your current partner has given you no reason to doubt them.
2. Low self-esteem
If you’re hard on yourself, you might assume your partner feels the same way. People with higher self-esteem tend to feel more secure in their relationships.
3. Attachment style
How you bonded with caregivers as a kid affects your adult relationships.
- Secure attachment (if your needs were consistently met) leads to healthier relationships.
- Insecure attachment (if needs were ignored or inconsistent) can fuel anxiety—like fearing abandonment or struggling with intimacy.
But don’t worry—your attachment style isn’t set in stone. “You can’t completely change it, but you can adjust enough that it doesn’t hold you back,” says psychologist Jason Wheeler, PhD.
4. Overthinking tendencies
If you’re the type to analyze every decision, you’ll probably overanalyze your relationship too. A little questioning is healthy—but if it turns into endless doubt with no resolution, that’s when it becomes a problem.
Can you overcome it?
Yes! It takes work, but it’s possible. “Telling someone ‘your relationship is fine’ won’t fix it,” Robertson says. “They need to truly feel safe and secure for the anxiety to fade.”
Here’s how to start:
1. Keep your identity
It’s easy to lose yourself in a relationship. But changing who you are to please your partner backfires—they fell for you, not a version of you that’s trying too hard to keep them.
2. Practice mindfulness
Stay present instead of spiraling into “what ifs.” When anxious thoughts pop up, acknowledge them—then let them pass.
3. Communicate openly
If something’s bothering you, talk about it calmly. Use “I” statements:
- “I feel distant lately, and it makes me worry you’re pulling away.”
- “I get anxious when you don’t text back. Can we find a middle ground?”
Even if your anxiety is internal, sharing it can strengthen your bond.
4. Don’t act on every fear
Resist the urge to seek “proof” they care by testing them (like ignoring them to see if they chase you). Instead, distract yourself—go for a walk, call a friend, or take deep breaths.
5. Try therapy
A therapist can help you (and your partner) navigate anxiety. Even one session can make a difference.
FAQs
What is relationship anxiety?
It’s excessive worry about your relationship—doubting your partner’s feelings, fearing a breakup, or questioning your compatibility.
What are the signs?
Constant overthinking, emotional exhaustion, self-sabotage (like picking fights), or physical symptoms like stomachaches.
Is it normal at the start of a relationship?
Yes! Early on, you’re still figuring each other out, so doubts are common.
How do I fix it?
Stay true to yourself, communicate, pause before reacting, and consider therapy if needed.
The bottom line
No relationship comes with a guarantee. You can’t erase all anxiety, but you can learn to quiet the noise and enjoy what you have.